On the motivation levels of undergraduate students:
"...if we haven't beaten it out of them already"Someone who I greatly admire told me this recently. It seems to be a common sentiment among us undergrads. When we arrive as freshman, it seems like we are destined to do great things, to go and change the world. Many of us were the crown jewels of our high schools, to be paraded around by those who knew us.
Four years can be a long time, regardless of age or worldly experiences. There has been very little time for self-reflection (or reflections of any sort) during this time. I've fallen into the work/rest/repeat cycle that we know so well, resting only enough to be able to function through the next pile of work. Perhaps I did undergrad wrong. Perhaps this wasn't the place for me. For the last four years, I've asked myself everyday, "Why am I here?" I've never answered the question. I haven't had the time to sit down and collect my own thoughts-just enough time for rest-nor have I had the motivation.
The day-to-day grind occupies my thoughts. By the end of the day, I have no energy remaining to look out there into the future, to imagine what the world had in store, to imagine all the potential opportunities, to imagine the world outside of this small patch of land. The imagination gets pushed out of the way to make room for problem sets, learning formulas and equations that were derived many years ago by those we aspire to be. We learn these equations, but what's not imparted as strongly is how to learn; how to have our ambitions come to fruition.
Without time for our ambitions and motivations, they mostly become secondary to passing classes and keeping ourselves in a healthy state (or at least healthy enough to keep functioning), and this greatly concerns me. Many generations of previous students were able to cover a much more intensive curriculum and still achieve great things during their lives (I was told that the curriculum for my major used to be much more intense). It makes me feel like I've done something wrong, that I haven't been able to maintain the level of excellence that is to be expected of me, both in the classroom and in the lab. I feel like I've let many people down, especially myself.
Over time I've come to terms with my shortcomings and my failures. They're a part of who we are, and our responses to these adversities truly defines who we are on a fundamental level. I feel much more at ease with my mistakes, pushing them away to where they don't weigh my mind down needlessly. Being free of your stresses greatly aids in keeping my mind clear and my judgement unclouded.
So as I sit here typing, I'm generally at a loss on describing the past four years. Sure, I can stand there and say that it's a fulfilling experience and that I learned a lot. It's generally true, but I always feel like something is missing, something I should have experienced that makes this school and its students special, the reason why we stand out. Or that I have failed to distinguish myself through something that all students experience. I feel that I can attribute part of that to my lack of motivation; that I had is quashed out from under me.
I've always felt like I was not good enough; that I don't belong here with the rest of my peers. I feel that I was less capable than they. You can make up for a lot of that with hard work and determination, but that isn't always enough. Each day I ask myself why I'm here-some days there just is no answer.
Sure, there were other experiences outside of the mind-numbing process of work of sleep-some memorable, some forgettable. What made these experiences are the people; those who are going through the same grind and soul-crushing experiences. These are the people I still keep in touch with, the people with who we have struggled, laughed, survived; the closest I've ever been to a group of people.
Above all the past four years have given me the opportunity to grow as a person (though growing as a researcher would have to be a close second, but I won't bore anyone with that). I've learned a lot about people since I've been here: how they work, how they think. I've learned to read people, and to see their true intentions. I personally haven't opened up much since arriving, but I feel that is due to the fact I have very little patience with other people. I remain in a shell, keeping those who aren't important to me from reaching me. It tends to keep me out of drama and away from prying eyes and unnecessary spotlights.
Soon we'll head our separate ways; move on to bigger and better things. We'll move on with our lives; continue our personal and professional journeys. The time that remains here grows short and we cling to those few final short strands of memories we can still create.
Thank you for the four best years of my life.
They were singing, bye bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singing
This'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die
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